Forgiveness is a Choice
Don't forgive others. Don't forgive yourself. Hold onto all those horrible feelings as you relive them over and over in your head. Talk about what is going wrong. Blame others for everything. And continue to feel worse and worse.
Or forgive yourself and everyone and everything around you and start feeling great.
It's your choice.
You are the only one experiencing your life. What do you choose to feel? Do you want to hold onto the anger, hurt, and bitterness? Or do you want to hold onto the yummy feelings of love, kindness, and joy? What experiences do you choose to have?
What you focus on is what you get. The Universe brings you experiences that match the feelings in your heart. So, what do you want the Universe to bring you: more reasons to be in a place of needing to forgive or more experiences that spark those yummy feelings?
You are creating your reality. Therefore, if you repeatedly think or talk about the awful thing your ex did, the Universe will give you other stories just like that awful thing...very often in the form of more awful experiences. Your focus is literally pulling in the experience.
Or you can say, "Wow that sucked. I choose to let it go. I choose to forgive myself for any way I contributed to it. I choose to forgive my ex (or whoever was upsetting you). I choose to feel love. And anything that isn't love, I choose to let go."
You can intentionally shift your heart so that the Universe brings you the experiences you truly desire. The first step is to forgive. And then you truly let it go and move onto something that matches the feelings you do choose to have in your life. Only this time, you are pulling in experiences and feelings that match the feelings of forgiveness and love.
Forgiveness feels like a great big sigh as you put down a heavy load. You are literally giving up the feelings you are dragging around.
Does this mean that the story disappears? No. The story can still be there. It's your feelings about the story that you are clearing.
And since your feelings are the driving force for your experiences, you can intentionally choose the feelings you would like to have. Forgive yourself and others so that you are free to experience the feeling you do choose and accumulate the experiences that match those.
And for super forgivers, go ahead and change the story. At the point of forgiveness, the event already happened. You are the one keeping it alive by continuing to think it and imagine all the what ifs. So, to super charge your forgiveness, change the story to something that works for you.
Let’s take a recent example from my own life. I found myself complaining (justifiably, or so I thought) about my ex. I’ve been divorced for 17 years. I thought I’d dealt with all my feelings. Well, this week, something else popped up.
One of my daughter’s was telling her father about a great guy she was starting to date. His comment was, “If he's that great, what does he need you for?”
I went all mama bear when she told me about it. A not so nice word or two may have left my lips.
The more I grumbled, the worse I felt. So, I started talking with myself. Is my peace of mind worth losing over some silly stuff he said? No. Is he just showing what his own problems are? Yes. Will he ever change? Probably not. At least he hasn’t made the choice to do so up to now.
I chose to forgive him. Afterall, it is the season of forgiveness.
I can’t change him, but I can choose to let him go, which I officially did 17 years ago, but for some reason am still surprised when I’m triggered. It’s this trigger that I rejoice over. Yes! I found something else I can release and let go of. The more I let go of, the more I forgive, the better I feel, and the better my life experiences are.
And that is what I did. It didn’t matter if I was justified in holding onto the story. The feeling wasn’t worth it. So, I turned it around in my mind. At this point, it was a good illustration for my blog. It was another way that my daughter got to see the real person her father is.
I imagined him being excited about hearing about her new boyfriend. (Okay, this one was hard, so I started by imagining a giant eraser and any words that came out of his mouth were erased. The silence was peaceful. Then I kept changing the images until I could feel his excitement for her.)
Now, I just shake my head and remind myself how lucky I am that I’m married to a wonderful guy. A guy who is loving and kind and truly loves me. All my relationship energy is going towards him. (And I forgive my ex for not knowing better. That’s his deal. Not mine.) By choosing to focus on (and feel) the love in my life, I am bringing more love into my life. Remember, what you focus on is what you get.
How to forgive
Stop spreading the story out loud or in your mind. Stop replaying it. Stop reliving it. (If you have to remember it for some reason, write it down and put it aside. At least it’s out of your head.)
Choose forgiveness. Make the choice to forgive everyone, including yourself.
Ask yourself where else in your life you’re not forgiving yourself or others. Choose to forgive yourself or others in those areas of life as well.
Say, “I forgive you.” (Remember you are forgiving because you love yourself and no longer desire to carry around the baggage. It really has nothing to do with the other person, even if that other person is your past self.)
Choose the feeling you would like to have. This is where you get to choose what it is you would like to feel.
Start doing things that match that feeling.
It’s your life. It’s your choice what you would like to feel. It’s your choice what experiences you would like to attract to you. It your choice if you choose to forgive.
To optimize your life, you may want to look at forgiving everyone (including yourself). This will allow you to put down the baggage and clear the way for even better experiences and feelings to come your way. Because when you are not weighed down by the baggage, your arms are open and ready to receive all the wonderful things the Universe is bringing you.
